Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Homeschooled Boy Suspended for Making a Weapon in School

(APE) Flintlock, Kansas

A ten-year-old homeschooled boy was expelled from classes on Tuesday after biting his breakfast pastry into the shape of a surface-to-air missile launcher, and authorities don’t know what to do with him.

Hezekiah Ezekiel Jeremiah Smith was expelled by his mother after biting his Pop Tarts into the shape of the popular FIM-92 Stinger Man-Portable Air-Defense System (MANPADS).

When his mother saw what he had done, Hezekiah said she got pretty mad.  “She told me, ‘just wait until your father gets home!’ I knew then I was in big trouble.”

“I went through 17 boxes of Raspberry Pop-tarts to put together that missile launcher,” Hezekiah explained.  “It took three boxes just to get the safety switch to work.  The smaller the part, the harder it is to bite it into the proper shape.”

“It kinda made me sick to my stomach,” he added.  “Near the end I was feeding my mistakes to the dog. I don’t think either one of us will be eating breakfast pastries for a long time.”

The NRA immediately responded to the suspension by offering Hezekiah a lifetime membership and a case of Tums.

The homeschool’s public relations spokesperson, fourteen year old college freshman Abigail Bathsheba Jedidah Smith, confirmed that her younger brother was expelled from home studies.  “He has the option of reapplying for admission at the start of the next school year,” said Ms. Smith.

 “That child!” his mother exclaimed, shaking her head. “I have half a mind to send him to military school, but I don’t want to encourage him.”

The problem, according to local school authorities, is that no one knows what to do with Hezekiah.  Dr. Julius No, superintendent of schools in Flintlock, refuses to accept Hezekiah into the local elementary school.  “I will not allow him to enroll in our school,” explained Dr. No.  “That young man is a threat to the safety of every child in our district.”

“Just imagine what would have happened if that missile accidentally launched in our school cafeteria,” Dr. No continued. “It could have hit another student.  Children might have gotten red sprinkles in their eyes.  Students could have gotten raspberry filling stains on their shirts. I cannot jeopardize the safety of our children by allowing Hezekiah Smith to attend one of our schools.” 

The boy's father, Bob, thought the incident was ridiculous. “This is insanity. With all the potential issues faced by homeschools today, threats from bullies,  whatever the real issue is, it's a pastry, ya know?' he said.

For the time being, Hezekiah is spending his days on the family’s patio, reading books, and creating a life-sized replica of the Easter Island statues out of Spam.

“It’s okay,” Hezekiah explained. “I’m ten years old and a high school sophomore.  I can afford to take some time off.”

Monday, May 6, 2013

All In A Day's Work at Home Educating Family

Ever wonder how to decide on which parent stays at home to teach the kids and which parent goes to work?   I shared some of the questions we used to make that very decision in my monthly blog post "All in a Day's Work" at Home Educating Family

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Short Homeschool Production of Henry IV Part I

From November of 2012 through early March of this year, I taught Shakespeare's Richard II, Henry IV Parts 1 & 2, and Henry V to my sixteen-year-old son Noah and another homeschooler, Nathan.  At the end of Henry V, I gave the boys their choice of one of three final projects: writing an essay, taking a written test, or staging a scene from one of the plays.  They chose the latter, and below is their effort.  Please invest ten minutes and look at their work.  Enlisting the aid of their brothers and sisters, and with no help from any adults (except for taxi service to the set), these boys planned, choreographed, filmed, and edited the final battle from Henry IV Part I.   I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am with their work.  It is a pleasure to see two high school students enjoy Shakespeare this much!  Direct your comments to Noah and Nathan, please.  This is all their work.  


Tuesday, April 23, 2013

This Is NOT How You Measure Electricity

So, I walked in the door and The Boss stared at me.  "Did you get my text?" she asked.

That's a moment for a gulp. 

"No.  I leave my phone in the car when I'm in karate, " I explained, wondering whether or not I was in trouble. "What's up?"

"Just check your texts," she told me.

I grabbed my phone, opened the text, and saw this

Yikes!  That's my kitchen!  That's one of my wall sockets.  It's the socket where my radio is plugged in.  Then I saw the second picture...

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm fine," she replied.  "Your Bears tape measure, however, is not."

Leave it to the Packers fan to ground my Bears tape measure while measuring the kitchen.  Apparently, she lost control of the tape measure, and it slid onto the plug for our printer.

The teenager saw the large flash of light and came running.  Instinctively, the Boy Scout grabbed his phone and took a picture.  Glad to see his priorities are straight.

Half the outlets in our kitchen were dead, as was a radio and our microwave.  Luckily, they all survived.  I flipped the breaker back to "on" and everything came back to life.  All I had to do was reset the time on the microwave and the radio, and all of my presets.

And the Boss is alright.  Amused, but alright. 

Friday, April 19, 2013

It's Time To Write Again

I've had the audacity to dedicate most of my time each day to teaching my children.  That has left very little time for writing a blog.  I know.  I need to get my priorities straight.  I've neglected this place for too long.

Since last December, all of my writing has been for Home Educating Family Magazine and their accompanying website, Home Educating Family Association.  I was blessed with the opportunity to write a regular column for their magazine, and a monthly blog entry for their website.  The magazine comes out four times each year.  The blog entry is the first Monday of each month.  This opportunity is a dream come true. 

I've been struggling a bit when faced with selecting topics to write about, as well as finding my usual style for presenting my ideas. The problem is that I haven't been writing enough. Writing is like any other activity: you have to practice if you want to get better.  There's no better place to practice than write here. 

Melissa commented to me the other night that some of my funnier blog posts were answers to questions presented in memes that flew around the blogosphere a few years ago.  She found one online and posted it to my Facebook wall.  It was a public challenge.  I picked up the gauntlet, tucked it into my belt, and sat at the keyboard.  It was fun. Here goes...

ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? Some people have cool scars from bar fights or spectacular car wrecks.  I have a scar on my right forearm from a box of fish.  But it was a big, heavy box of fish. It had been shipped into Kanas City from Boston, and when I picked it up from the belt loader as it came off the plane I sliced open my arm on the corner of the box.  It was so cold out that I didn’t feel the cut, so I shrugged my shoulders and kept on working.  Apparently, it needed stitches. 

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?  Being eaten by a shark.  In my underwear.  I don’t know how the shark gets into my underwear, but it’s still pretty frightening.  (It's an old joke, but be honest. You smiled,)


ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?  No. I can only smoke one joint at a time.

FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?  Fitz.  “Do you like it?”  “Yeah, it Fitz.”

SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:  There.  I said it.  Out loud.  Everyone in the kitchen heard me, too.  Bet you wish you were here, don’t you?  I guess you’ll never know.

FAVORITE QUOTE?  “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet simply because there’s a quote and a picture next to it.” – Abraham Lincoln

HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF YOUR HOME COUNTRY?  I’ve been to Japan, Guam, the Philippines, Australia, New Zealand, Antarctica, Fiji, and the exotic Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean. 

MET ANYONE FAMOUS? I met former Chicago Mayor Jane Byrne’s husband.  He gave me an autograph that reads, “You should try my pork chops!”   He forgot to include his address and phone number, the cheapskate.

FIRST JOB?  I delivered newspapers written in Polish to little old ladies who smelled like cabbage and tipped me with rotten fruit and Halls Mentho-Lyptus.   They meant well.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?  Yes, and if my wife ever gets pregnant, there’s a urologist who’s gonna get a beat down.

WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?  The back of my head.  It usually comes when people say, “Hey, look!  He’s leaving!”


HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND? Yes.  And I was smart enough to marry her.

WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?  It varies, depending on whether you are looking at my nose or my ears.

EYE COLOR?  I color.  You color.  We all color.  Coloring is fun!

FAVORITE RESTAURANT? That place where my wife sits across from me, a cold beer sits between us, and the children sit at home with a babysitter.  I LOVE that place!

PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? I love playing with musical instruments.  Oboes are surprisingly aerodynamic when you don't have a javelin, and the bean bag toss into a tuba bell is fun, too.

RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?  Two night stands: one for my side of the bed, and one for hers.  We can’t share just one night stand.  It wouldn’t be good for our relationship.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?  Four boxes of Life cereal and a package of hot dogs. 

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?  Milton’s Paradise Lost.  It’s a delightful little tale where a man tries to justify the ways of God to man (as if that was really needed), and one of his characters admonishes another not to try to understand things that beyond his understanding.